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I have said some things in the past that I shouldnt have and I have done some things I shouldnt have and you know what I admit I did them and I accept it. People make mistakes, the key is to learn from your mistakes and move past. Some people choose to continue to make mistakes, and some people continue to shove others mistakes in their face. Some people hurt people because of their actions and some people just thrive on drama. Unfortunately I have seen too much of this this year. Come on and grow up, forgive yourself, stop the stupid crap and move on. 

Aug. 24th, 2012

I hurt so frickin bad, I have been running myself ragged the past couple of days, trying to get things done before i get too busy, but i am supposed to be resting....my body doesnt like it. It hurts. and I wish I had help. and my kids arent helping, and a million other things keep coming up. I JUST CANT DO ALL THIS SHIT ANYMORE!!!!! I need help and I dont have it. I just need a frickin break once in awhile!

Mar. 6th, 2012

So much to say but I think we will keep it short. Feeling really run down right now. Tired, stressed, just plain down. Dealing with so much crap, lawsuit, medicaid, and shit i didnt ask to be involved in. I am not the mom i want to be, I am not the wife I want to be, I am not the friend, sister or daughter I want to be I am not the person I want to be. There are so many things I want to change about myself and sometimes I get there but then it seems to always go back downhill again. I haven't taken any of my pills for weeks which probably doesn;t help the situation at all, went and got those tonight maybe it will help me to think straight and to stop the millions of thoughts flowing through my head. I just always want to make people happy, i give them the benefit of the doubt, and I believe in forgiveness is that a bad thing? Sometimes I just don't understand why I feel like the world is dumping on me. Hopefully someday I will make it through this mess and be happy. I was happy very happy for a few short months but I felt guilty being so happy because others around me were having rough times. That's the kind of person I am. But for right now I just want to take a break, and be happy and enjoy being happy, and try my damn hardest to make my life go as good as it can. Life is to short to waste so much time on stupid little things. Yeah life sucks but some things make us stronger and sometimes you just gotta look past the bad and get over it and move on. dwelling on the things that have happened never make anything better. 
So many things going on right now but im on lunch break and on my phone so they will have to wait till I get home lol

Jan. 29th, 2012

My head is killing me!!!! I am so happy I am finally going to the doctor tomorrow so hopefully I can get some relief! My work schedule changes this week to Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday so I have to remember to go in on Tuesday instead of Thursday! Sent in my Ferris Application, I really hope I get into my program this year! I want to get done with school and get a new car and move on with my life! I really need to start working out more! ughh..it doesn't help I haven't been able to go to dance the past 2 weeks, I need to find another babysitter for Tuesday nights! I don;t want to miss out on anymore dance! I need to get off here and go to bed so my head will feel better. 
Got Girl Scout cookies for sale if anyone wants any! If anyone even reads this lol. Happy to be talking to an old friend again. Feels good, miss the old days sometimes I wish i could just hit a rewind button. Why do some things in life have to get so complicated? Lovin my new job, feels so good to have a big girl job now :) Better get off here for mow got to make some cakes and get all ready for Tesla's monster party tomorrow.  
It has been a year now, seems like yesterday. Today is just as hard as a year ago today. Why did this ever happen. Why when I got that bad feeling Up North when I noticed he was so tired did I not push it farther, maybe he could have had more time. I can;t believe he won't see my kids grow, he won't see us graduate, he won't be at my brothers wedding or meet his kids. It's not fair. Life just frickin sucks. I just want him to call me, to be here, anything. I am a wreck. And of course my first patient of the day had to be a man with cancer. Cancer is bullshit. How dare it take my dad. How dare it take 2 of my grandpas. Fuck Cancer. 
What's the take on mediums? I was watching the show Long Island medium and josh of course had to chime in with his 2 cents about how they are full of shit. But how could they possibly know such intimate little details? Even if they are fake I think they still make people feel good but he says yeah on false pretenses but you know I know if I were to talk to one and they told me about my dad and what he wanted me to know I would be perfectly ok with that. I would love some kind of communication from him. He was the one in the family that believed in all that, him and me. I told him that he needed to come visit me so that I could still believe, although that has happened yet I still believe he will. I think it can happen and I think he will know when the time is right, because right now I question why it hasn't happen yet but then I think about it and I don't know that I am ready either. I guess only time will tell. All I know is I miss him a lot and I go through periods of times that are a lot rougher than others and right now seems to be one of those times. I really wish he was still here. 

Jun. 21st, 2011

He hasn't come to visit me yet, I am starting to loose faith. I have been thinking a lot about death the past couple of days. Really pretty depressed. Just learned today that Joe Kelley died. So sad. He was a really nice guy, worked with him at Circuit City. I remember him always talking about his children and sharing pictures of them. Those poor kids things are going to be so rough on them. Father's day with no dad this year, super sad. Been thinking about Lindsay too, it's been almost a year since we lost her. Time goes by so fast. My heart aches miss them all. And now of course I am watching Marley and Me like that's gonna make things any better. Death sucks. It's been 5 months already 5 months. I told him to visit me to show me hes here he is the only one that believed me that he could do that. There have been many signs but none that could not be explained. I just wish there was something something that I knew without a doubt in my mind was him. I miss him more everyday. I miss my puppies Madi and Buddy and all the others and I miss my grandparents. One thing that sucks about having a big heart and loving everyone unconditionaly is the heart wrenching heart break you have to go through when they are gone. Miss you Daddy.
Sitting here in a strange mood today. Maybe I am tired from this weekend still but I am feeling kind of down. I have fallen behind on my school work and I am disappointed in myself. I haven't been keeping up on my medication either I am a mess. My house is a mess. Father's day is coming up. I just want to feel better, to be happy, to function like normal people.


Holly Riley

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